Kindness is essential in all relationships. But simply being nice and doing kind acts alone is sometimes insufficient—other factors such as setting boundaries, personal safety and mutual effort must also be considered for true healing to occur. Kindness is a powerful and necessary ingredient for relationship building, but there may be times when we must be friends from a distance.
For example, if your boundaries are not respected or if there is ongoing harm such as emotional/physical abuse, kindness alone may not be enough. In situations where deeper wounds, trauma, or imbalances of power exist, those issues may need to be addressed alongside kindness.
Additionally, if only one partner is making attempts to heal the relationship, healing is unlikely to fully occur. Ultimately it takes mutual participation for genuine reconciliation to occur. But somebody needs to take the first step and it might as well be me. I can do my part.
Caution!
I could act kindly without genuine love such as from a sense of duty or obligation—feeling it is expected or wanting to be seen as the “good person” in the relationship. But sincere acts of kindness is a powerful and necessary ingredient for healing a damaged relationship.
Choose Kindness Anyway
In situations of hurt or anger, you can “feel the feeling, but do the right thing,” acting kindly even without loving feelings. I may not feel love or warmth inside, but choosing kindness—such as offering forgiveness, listening, or helping—can still create positive change and foster healing within a relationship. Real love is not a feeling but a desire for the best for the other person.
Yet it is true that intentional kindness alone is often sufficient to open communication, alleviate pain, and start the possibility for future growth. And, as we said, there may be situations where we must forgive and move on.
How can I start putting this into practice myself?
Of course it depends on the specific situation but here’s a step-by-step suggestion on how we could begin:
- Set your intention
- Decide you want to take active, kind steps toward healing, even if you don’t currently feel deep love or warmth.
- Your goal can simply be: “I want to create peace and open the door for positive change.”
- Begin with small, consistent kindnesses
- Offer a smile, a greeting, or a light compliment.
- Do small helpful acts without expecting anything in return.
- Use respectful communication
- Listen actively without interrupting.
- Acknowledge their feelings, even if you disagree.
- Show patience
- Healing takes time, and emotional closeness might not return instantly.
- View each kind act as planting a seed rather than forcing quick results.
- Reflect on your motivation and growth
- Ask yourself: Am I acting from duty, from hope for reconciliation, or to uphold my values?
- Even without feeling love right now, you can deepen empathy by imagining their perspective.
Remember: You don’t have to “feel it” before you “do it.” In many cases, loving feelings can regrow from the habits and choices of kindness.